Emotional breakdown

Dear Khoa & MaiAn,

Mommy has really lost it (I even cried today because I was so desperate) the last few days as Big Brother continues with nap resistance to no end. I truly understand what postpartum depression or stress is now.  Mommy has even resorted to hitting you on the hand because you continuously hit Little Sister, especially when I am holding her to sleep. Today, you continue to scream loudly into her ears while she is sleeping. I really tried to keep it cool and try not to let it affect me, but I lost my temper again. I never even realized that I can lose my temper that much - it is such a horrible side of me that I have never seen in myself. I don't want you to unravel this side of me, but what can we do? Mommy is thinking that we have to send you to school, which might backfire too. On the one hand, you will be able to learn more; and perhaps you will not display nap resistance with your teachers at preschool. Or you can totally regress and everything will be worse???  Earlier in the week, you were sleeping three hours nap, but yesterday and today, you sleep much less. Today was two hours to the dot. I think things might be better had Little Sister had not grown ever so sensitive to noise. You wake up at the tiniest sound, so much that Mommy is not eating while you sleep fearing that you will hear my heating up food.  I sometimes go for 24 hours straight without eating, and I don't even feel hungry (the stress is keeping full?). This week has been rough for your morning nap because you keep taking 30 minutes nap (simply because you cannot take it any longer and crash down). It is only in the afternoon while Big Brother that you are able to sleep one real nap (of course with Mommy holding you). At night earlier this week, you were able to fall asleep easily, but the last two days were rough. I think it is because you didn't get a long afternoon nap (since Big Brother took shorter nap). You used to be able to sleep through it all, but your nap schedule is totally dependent on your brother's schedule.

On a brighter note, Little Sister has fully mastered flipping over (there is not even a question about it). Every time I set you down, you would flip over instantly and remain stuck there. You will soon learn to do a full flip and then we will be trouble with the fear of you falling down. You are also so good at grasping things now. Big Brother loves to hand you things so you can hold them. Sometimes, the object is too big so you can't hold on to everything but you sure try. The lack of sleep is making you fussy when you are tired, otherwise you are still so sweet. Just looking at you make me feel so happy, even though I have been so stressed out.

Today, we were standing outside the fire station when a fireman offers Big Brother the chance to go inside the firetruck to see what's going on. It was a fun experience, though Big Brother was simply overwhelmed, but was still very excited. Maybe on another day, you will be more adventurous and even try to be a firefighter. You had all kind of questions (afterward of course), but you love the hat that the fireman gave you and spent almost an hour just observing the firetrucks as they were doing a drill. Your shyness again confirms to me that you really are not ready for school, but we might have to send you soon, something Mommy will have heartache again.

Please always remember that Mommy loves you both very much, despite all the stress that I am going through.